Self Care
Angie Dyer
Angie Dyer, a lady who brunches from New Orleans East, is award-winning digital producer, fiction writer, and public relations and brand strategist working in higher-education. She also speaks to organizations about personal wellness, branding, and storytelling.
Angie Dyer and I sat in her office with essential oils in the air, big hoop energy in our ears and a wall of sticky notes with inspiration behind me. We were revisiting a random conversation we had about self care last year, that I asked to have again for the sake of this blog.
I’ve been dissatisfied with the correlation between self care and the excuse to blow off your responsibilities for the evening and do a face mask and light a candle, or spend money you know you shouldn’t just to “treat yourself.” At the end of the day, this didn’t actually seem to promote self care. I wanted to understand what self care really is, or can be, and so I sought advice from a woman that I believe truly understands what self care means to her, and pursues it regularly. Here is that conversation:
Angie: Self care for me is a very radical thing. Growing up, I had a great childhood, but putting yourself first was seen as a selfish thing. Not that it wasn’t encouraged, but people depend on you and you can’t think of just yourself all the time. When in fact, you can. If I don’t put myself first and think about my wants and my needs, and really assess what’s going on with me, then I can’t help anyone. If I’m a hot mess, I can’t help another hot mess. So for me self care is a radical thing I introduced in my adulthood where I’m like, “No, I’m not going to that thing. I don’t feel well in my head and I want to sit at home. I want to put a name to what I’m feeling maybe by journaling.” I always used to put my self care routine for when— Can I curse?
Lily: Yes. (We keep it real here.)
Angie: For when shit hit the fan. When in fact, it has to be a daily thing. Just like with therapy, I thought I had to be at rock bottom to start. When you get sick, you don’t wait until you’re really sick to go to the doctor.
Lily: It can be proactive.
Angie: It can be proactive and it can be a routine thing where it’s like, “Just checking in.” I have a therapy appointment on Thursday, and there isn’t anything so crushing I need to talk to her about, but I still go. So my self care has become part of my daily life. In the morning, I wake up and I say my prayers. I’m Catholic, so it’s a natural thing for me to wake up and do. I do a prayer of gratitude to frame my head. I burn a lot of Palo Santo. I love the way it smells and watching it burn. I do the things that people think are self care, like bubble baths. For me, brunch is self care. Brunch is a time where I can get the people I want to spend time with together, and we can enjoy a meal. The thing I love about brunch is the bottomless concept. You could be there for hours. It’s not a fixed time. You’re not in a time constraint. So I try to schedule a brunch, especially if I have friends I haven’t seen in a long time. That’s when we talk about what we are going through. We do a lot of self work at brunch.
Lily: I think that’s really interesting, because I think sometimes we see self care as this secluded, “I just need to hermit and be alone,” but you’re finding community and ways to share in self care with others. I think that’s really cool.
Angie: Yes! Another thing I do for self care is, I like to compliment people. If I don’t feel good, I will do my best to make someone else feel good, and in turn it’s like a weird boomerang that makes me feel good, too. Sometimes I’ll leave a ridiculous compliment under someone’s Instagram picture, or I’ll send a text message or full email because I need to tell you, you’re awesome.
Lily: Yeah! I think that’s me with letters. It makes me feel good to send them, and excited to know in a few days they’ll open their mailbox and not be expecting this.
Angie: I think that’s the thing—the not expecting. I’m a big empath. For a long time I framed it on, if someone is feeling sad, I feel their sadness, but now I frame it on, if someone is feeling joyful, I feel their joy, too. It took me a long time to realize my empathy works both ways, and it can be a healing thing for me. My nieces are the most joyful little humans. My oldest one just started Pre-K and is struggling with the structure. We will FaceTime, and she’ll tell me, “I didn’t have a good day today,” and I say, “It’s okay! This is new.” She says, “You’re right, but tomorrow will be better.” We pinky promise that tomorrow will be better on FaceTime. Little moments like that are part of my self care. A lot of my self care work involves a community because I know what’s it’s like to be alone, but I thrive off the energy of others. Especially the energy of people I’ve cultivated in my circle. I feel like I’ve got a good circle.
Lily: Do you see yourself as an extrovert?
Angie: I’m whatever the word is for the middle, where I need a balance.
Lily: Ambivert. I’m an ambivert, too.
Angie: I love to plan parties, but people can see when my social meter decreases. I’m as much of an extrovert as I am an introvert. I like being around people. I just remembered we did this when Alton Sterling was killed in Baton Rouge, and we didn’t know what to do. So, one Saturday I said, “We are having a self care party at my apartment. I have coloring books, and I’m ordering pizza.” I made a YouTube playlist of the funniest videos ever, and said, “If there’s anything that you need for your self care, bring it.” Doing that for my friends, some things you can’t handle alone. When you get alone, that’s when your thoughts just go into dark places. It’s hard to bring yourself out of that.
Lily: So what’s the line for you between treating yourself and self care? Because sometimes we say, “I deserve this. I’m going to treat myself,” but then we don’t do something that benefits us in the long run.
Angie: I’m trying to think of where my line is. I’m not going to say I’m frugal, but I don’t like to spend money. It stresses me out. Every now and then I try to be like, “I deserve that,” if I really, actually deserve it. Last week was a crazy week. I was exhausted. Friday, I went to Trader Joe’s and got a bottle of wine. That was the first time I had wine in a week. I told myself, “I deserve this because I got through a hard week without the crutch I used to have.” That first glass it made me—sigh. Full disclosure, I used to have an alcohol problem. Right after college. My post-grad depression didn’t get healed properly. It wasn’t until I turned 26 that the people around me noticed it’s a problem, and I’m like, “Yeah.” That’s one of those things though where I have to deserve it. I don’t like when people get rewarded for being mediocre. It’s not any kind of self hate, but I ask myself if I deserve it. I don’t treat myself to big things, because I don’t want to make it a pattern. You can’t sustain that lifestyle. I do like the concept of “treat yourself,” but instead of making it a physical thing, I make it a mental thing. I talk to myself better, or I treat myself to moments where I’m like, “You deserve to treat yourself to an outdoor yoga class in the middle of August, in the heat where you can show off your fancy yoga skills and mat in front of others.”
Lily: That’s cool because that’s actually the opposite of comfort. You were challenging yourself to put yourself in this new atmosphere and environment, but you still saw that as treating yourself.
Angie: What’s really funny is I’m 29 now, I’m entering the last month of my 20s. I’m doing a lot of things I’ve always wanted to do.
Lily: So when you said you had the glass of wine and you were like sigh, I guess my hope is people figure out what that is for them, right? I experienced that this summer. This summer at CBS they took us to a Yankees game and all of highschool I worked at a ballpark in Tulsa on the promotions team. So sitting there watching baseball I had that same sigh feeling. It was Wednesday, middle of the week, day game. It was something I was familiar with in a city I was unfamiliar with, and I knew what was going on. I guess I felt very at peace. So how would you describe that feeling for you so that others can can maybe identify what that is for them?
Angie: Yeah, I think it’s one of those things—as a writer, I’m constantly writing, I’m writing in my head right now. It’s always so noisy. My sticky note board behind you is what my brain looks like. The moment I can breathe and it gets quiet is when I feel that way, I can hear myself. I guess it does happen sometimes with wine. Sometimes it happens in a movie theatre, where I’m surrounding myself with darkness and watching a really good movie and you’re not thinking about anything else. I think when I’m in my most comfortable state, a hoodie and my yoga pants I feel that way. I also feel that way at brunch sometimes. Joy is such a big word, but it’s my life compass. I’m trying to find joy, give joy and cultivate joy. I think some people see it as this big thing at Christmastime, but it’s not, it’s the little things. I turned on a comedy show on Spotify while I cooked dinner, and I felt good. It took awhile for me to put a name to that feeling. It’s going to be different and happen to everyone at different moments, but the thing is we all have those moments. It’s time to start being intentional about having those moments.
Lily: And thanking God for that moment. “I’m grateful I feel this way.”
Angie: Yes. I have a gratitude journal I do every night. I go through my day making sure that my list is abundant at the end of the day. I go through my day constantly searching for things to be grateful for. If I see a moment that someone else is having, I’m grateful I get to see that and experience that from afar with them. Today, I was eating cheese at Cheese Day in the OR (Loyola’s cafeteria) and I’m just like I should not be eating this. My coworkers and I don’t get to take lunch breaks usually. I was just like, I am so grateful for this moment.
Lily: So with your gratitude journal you do that every day, but what about the nights when you’re tired and you’re like I don’t want to? Do you discipline yourself?
Angie: I’ve noticed on nights when I don’t do my gratitude journal, I don’t sleep well. I’m Catholic, so I’ve got that Catholic guilt in me. I don’t make myself feel guilty, because I’m done with that. I’m just like you had something to be grateful for today. So if the lights off, I’ll pick up my phone and put it in my notes app. I’ll tell myself, “Well the last time you didn’t do this, you didn’t sleep well and you’re tired and want that good sleep.” It’s like bribing a child, and the child in me, she’s precious, she needs a lot. There are some night when I just say it in my head, and I don’t beat myself up. Throughout my day though I am thanking God. The formal list is just a culmination. Even when I travel, I bring my gratitude journal.
Lily: Well we are habitual people. So if you stop, it’s harder to go back to.
Angie: I can form a habit quick. I don’t need the 21 days. I’m a routine kind of girl. Before I go to bed I have a routine. It’s not a perfect one.
Lily: Did you tweet this or maybe I saw this somewhere? It’s something about I’m incorporating self care into my daily routine so that I don’t need to use it as an escape from my life.
Angie: Maybe I did.
Lily: It’s just about making your life the best it can be so you feel like self care is such a, “Oh my gosh, I just need to—”
Angie: It’s not a chore anymore. I even incorporate it at work. In my office, in my car, at my house.
Lily: It’s not just an action, it can be your environment. Not even just physical things like your office environment, but the friends you surround yourself with. Are they bringing you up?
Angie: I’m so blessed to have friends who have their own self care routine, and we are constantly learning from each other. I do self care for my own personal survival. I’m like this is one thing I can control. That’s really important with my anxiety and it helps me from falling into depressions. It takes too much energy to be sad or angry, and not that I don’t have bad days. I do, but my bounce back game is so much quicker when I’m faced with some bullshit. It might take a day or two hours, but then I’m back. I’m grateful I have a self care thing that is constantly evolving. A new thing is cutting up fruit. I’m on weight watchers, and fruit is zero points. Which saves room for french fries. They’re not perfect cuts, I’m not a Pinterest fruit cutter, but I have to focus only on that, or I’ll cut my hands off. Arranging flowers. I love arranging flowers for myself and for others. I love that my routine is constantly evolving, because I’m constantly evolving. Maybe now that I’m in a relationship my self care routine might evolve. Not that I need to evolve for him, but maybe he’s part of my self care routine now. I really hope that everyone stops thinking so hard about making a routine. We’ve been in a position where people ask us, “What’s your self care routine?” And we feel like we need to make a list, but it’s really whatever makes me feel good. I don’t know. I have specific things, yes, but it’s whatever the universe wants to give me that day. I hope people can find their thing, and I’m here to help people find their thing, whatever that is. For some people, my best friend’s self care is running. That’s not mine at all. She was going through life transitions, and I could tell she was in a dimly lit place, and I asked her, “Have you been running?” You can tell when you haven’t been doing the thing that keeps you going. When it becomes a habit, you start to physically feel it.
Lily: Yeah, with running, that’s me.
Angie: I really hate how people think self care is bubble baths and facials—
Lily: That can be part of it.
Angie: That can be part of it, but a bubble bath is not going to heal you. I think there’s a difference in the process of being relaxed, and healing. Relaxation is temporary. Like if you go to a spa, when I get a pedicure, I feel relaxed. Then I’m like, “How am I going to get to the care with these wet toes?” and I’m not relaxed anymore. Whereas, when I do things that heal me like reading or meditating, therapy or talking to other humans. That’s not a temporary things. Those feelings and conversations stay with me and they’re things I can do on a daily basis. I can’t get a pedicure on a daily basis. Waste of money and time.
Lily: I feel like Instagram has created has created this formula for self care. It’s the bath, and candle, book and a glass of wine, and I’m like are they really comfortable?
Angie: No. I’m worried I’m going to drop the book in the water.
Lily: I think also not being on social media, is self care.
Angie: Yes, as someone who works in social media I think I can’t take a break, but then I’m like, “Yes, I can.” My favorite way to take a break, is to go on Pinterest.
Lily: Me too!
Angie: Everything I was looking at looked good, and it was so mindless. It’s a different kind of social media for me. Taking a break, unplugging, putting my phone on Do Not Disturb—that’s one of the best things Apple gave us.
Lily: Yeah, and they kind of owed it to us in my opinion. They’ve created this world.
Angie: They did. They single handedly did that. Sometimes I let my phone die. It’s hard to unplug, but when I do I do it well.
I’m so thankful for this honest conversation about self care. Thank you, Angie! Here’s what I hope you learned:
“If I’m a hot mess, I can’t help another hot mess,” aka you can’t pour from an empty glass. Fill your glass by doing some self care!
What works for you may not be the basic face mask and bath. Figure out what works for you!
Make it a part of your routine, so you don’t use it as an “escape” when you’re overwhelmed. I look at this at maintaining peace, rather than being desperate for it in a time of need.
Self care can be proactive, not just reactive.
Self care isn’t always about comfort, sometimes it’s about doing something you’ve always wanted to do and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
It’s about creating spaces (bedroom, office, car) that bring you peace and happiness.
Self care isn’t something you have to do alone. Conversations, therapy and brunches with friends can be self care.
Relaxation is temporary. Seek activities that are healing you.
Having an “attitude of gratitude” will contribute to your self care.
Taking a break from social media can be self care.
Self care is one thing about this life that you CAN control.
Don’t beat yourself up if you fall off your routine, just make it a point to do it the next day because you know you’ll feel better!
Self care can be doing things for others (acts of service, compliments, texts/calls/emails/letters, etc.)!