How I Found My Positive Pants Again

I wish it was simple. I wish I could give you steps. I wish I could offer the perfect solution to any struggle, mountain or trial you're facing. I cannot do that, but I can give you my truth. 

This summer I posted on This Letter Contains Love's Facebook page, and on my personal Instagram a text message I received from a friend. 

It read: 

"Lil.... a girl at Falls Creek was saved this week, and we are talking to her on the bus about her story and during one part she said, “I’ve been reading these blogs by a girl named Lily Rain”.....

KEEP DOIN YOU. You are making an impact. So proud to call you a best friend. I love you! Can’t wait to tell you all my stories."

When I read this message, I had just spent several hours floating in the hot July heat on the Illinois river, but chills ran up my body. Yes, because that meant a lot to me. That is why I write, make videos and share my faith. However, it was more than that. 

It was exactly a year from my lowest point. From a moment full of anxiety, guilt, shame and little self worth. I had struggled the previous summer. I remember driving to work, and a song would come on that would send me into full blown ugly crying. It would be hard to breathe and get it together, but somehow I walked into work and my internship with a strong, dry face. I think I liked the work because it took my mind off of everything else. 

You can't hide behind a mask forever. You can't distract yourself 24/7. It all built up.

In the post I shared I wrote, "In the past year, I rededicated my life to Christ, I learned to love and forgive myself. I learned to love like Jesus through serving His people in Kingston, Jamaica. I celebrated birthdays, engagements and anniversaries with friends and family. I completed an internship with a news station in New Orleans, and was accepted to intern next summer with CBS in NYC. I ran a marathon. I helped students as an RA—even a student who wanted to end his life. I held my mom’s hand in the ER. I started a website full of blogs and vlogs containing love because I felt God was calling me to do it for 2 years, and I finally did. None of that, however, would have been possible if I gave into negativity. If I gave into the harsh, hurtful words of this world and my mind, instead of His word. I clung to my faith for dear life, but it was my sweet Mama who reminded me that faith is great, but you must have hope, too.

I found my positive pants again!!! I have hope that is once again firm and secure. Jesus saves. I didn’t save this young woman’s life, but I’m in awe that I was a part of her story. We all get this fabulous opportunity to be a part of someone’s story, ya know? I hope each part you and I are a part of, is full of love, encouragement and kindness."

Since posting this truth, I am grateful for the positive response, but I've also had a lot of questions. Like, "HOW did you find your positive pants?" 

Good question.

It's something I've been going over and over in my brain. Like I said, I can't give you answers, but I can give you truth.

After barely keeping myself afloat all summer through both mellow and torrential waves, I returned to college in the fall. I was BUSY. Being an RA, working another job as well, being involved in at least three things on campus, exercising and not to mention being a full-time student. This kept my mind preoccupied for the most part. 

I'm not recommending putting your mental health on the side, and going nonstop. I am recommending redirecting your energy--your precious energy--into things that you love and make you happy.

Here's the truth, though--I was so busy that in times when nothing was going on, my mind woke up, thoughts crept back in and sadness greeted me. Why can't I be happy to just do nothing?

I saw a counselor at my university. I do recommend therapy--especially if you're a student and it's free--but I did not have the experience I was looking for.

Let me explain. I wasn't sure where to go or what I needed to do. All my life I've been the "leader" and I was ready for someone to tell me what to do, to ask me questions and guide me through whatever was going on in my head. I just wanted to understand.

My first counseling session was great. I unloaded a lot on the poor woman, and she sent me home with "homework." "Go write down five things you love about yourself, and come see me again in two weeks." 

Okay, got it! This should be easy!

It wasn't. (Write down 5 things you love about yourself, and let me know how it goes.)

It took me two weeks to get five things ready to tell her, but I finally did it. Our second meeting was a Friday afternoon. I get it, everyone is tired, but after 20 minutes of a 50 minute session she said to me after a long yawn, "Sorry I am so tired. Okay so, where do you want to go from here?"

No, no, no! Please don't do this! Please. I need you to tell me where to go and what to do! I know I seem okay right now because it's the end of a busy week, but tomorrow when everything dies down and I have nothing to do I probably won't feel the same way.

Above is what I probably should have told her, but I was too polite. 

I recommend therapy or talking to someone you trust. I recommend not being afraid to tell someone what you need, and the whole truth. Giving a voice to our truth sets us free.

Looking back on all of this now, I realized from there I was kind of alone. My family and close friends knew I was still struggling a little, but none of them knew the full story of why. 

I do recommend distancing yourself from any negative energy--remember your energy is precious. This can be in the form of a person, action or perhaps a place--you know what brings you down. I stopped communicating with who had hurt me. I hate this. I've always been a, "Be the bigger person," person, but this time it was necessary. Bob Goff writes about this in his book Everybody Always, "There's a difference between good judgement and living in judgement." I had to realize that this was what was best for me, and I wasn't being a bad person because of this.

I hate being cliché, but here I go. Time heals everything.The fall semester whizzed by, and I got stronger. Then, I went to Jamaica. 

I recommend finding energy again. My energy came in the form of an immersion service experience to Kingston, Jamaica from the 28th of December to January 6th. After I came back from Kingston, I knew something in me had changed. I woke up more grateful, humble and excited to start the day. Any chance I had to put positive energy into my life or someone else's, I tried my best to do that. I wanted to radiate love. To do this, I think you have to get rid of the icky inside of you that's holding you back. 

I recommend writing down what you want to leave behind and burning it. Then, write down what you want to accomplish, and put those things into action. 

Obviously, New Years is a great time to do this, but it doesn't HAVE to be New Years to start something new. You can decide today that you want to leave behind this sad person with no energy or excitement for life, and you want to __________. You can!! This is the promise Jesus gave us--His grace is working in you and it is stronger than the things that are holding you back!

I recommend praying hard. I know this is not everyone's cup of tea, but fill your cup with what you like and let it runneth over. Seriously, meditation, journaling, letter writing, yoga, running or even asking someone else to hold you up in prayer makes a difference. Find the time to be intentional. 

I had to do this. I prayed the hardest in my spring semester of 2018, than I think I have in my whole life. I was in new territory. Not just because I knew God was working in me and my life to make it new, but I was also writing these blogs, training for my first marathon and applying to internships and study abroad all at once. None of the new things, however, stressed me out. I knew it was in His hands--and man, did His hands work some magic for me.

Seeing this year be so fruitful to me is a testimony in and of itself. 

Summer is over now, but I am happy and proud to say it wasn't full of anxiety and tears like the last one. It was full of friends, family and opportunities. 

I am proudly wearing my positive pants. Does that mean that I never have average or bad days? No. 

It means I have let go of things that brought me down, I stepped out of a funk and I look at life as an opportunity to make a difference.

To the people reading this looking for their own positive pants,

Don't give up. Get out of bed. Go for a walk or a jog. Listen to music that makes you happy. Be intentional with your time and energy. Be around people who make you laugh and bring you joy.

You will get through this. You will find your positive pants again. It may take a month, a year or even two. I promise, there are still good things and people in this world. These people and things will be there waiting for you. They're waiting for you to be so sick of the state you are in, that you reach out for what it will take to heal you. 

There are still so many sunny days. There are still so many people who need your light and energy. So go forth, put on your pants and shine.

This Letter Contains Love,

Lily Rain